a reflection to make

so many things to write but dont how and where to begin~

these few weeks went smoothly as in emotionally but after i came home, i soon found myself alone and realized once again the depth of that loneliness. i still have my family least for the most part. i still have my wits about me, well maybe just sort of. i have *, who i love dearly. although they are all necessities of my life, i continue to feel incomplete.

there is the emptiness of myself. i haven’t been able to or maybe not tried hard enough to fill myself with my own happiness. i think about those who are happy with friends and those who are sad with friends and envy them

this emptiness cuts me more than any razor could.

often than not, i am troubled by the fact that if i leaving this world with no purpose fulfilled. it is like dying a slow death, fighting back, and drifting from what you truly have inside. i am helpless in thinking of how the future will unfold for me and for my family. and somtimes, i am anxious of people tending to have intimacy with me. i feel secluded by my responsibilities and own preoccupations. maybe, i am just afraid of the commitment. because i am frightened by the fact that people will come and go through your life, they will pass, and the hardest part is to see their backs turning from you.

like friends. people do change, preferences vary, and a lot of times, friends will also pass your way. i had been with broken friendships, damaged by my mistrust, insecurities, and may be by my own free will to end those. yes, there will be alot of persons in your circle. but i tell you not all of them will be as ready as you are. ready to give up something for someone else, ready to be there, and make you feel existent. not a lot, sometimes not a few, and in a world of selfish ideals, there will be none at all.

i am thankful for those people who despite my misfits, find their way to sneak in and remain in my life, all through the ups and downs. i can hardly hear myself call a close friend, my best pal. because for me, i had been into much pain when it comes to "bestfriends". what pops in my head is that they will also leave, and i will be left alone, back to my old self, drastically lonely and cold.
but i guess, after all these miseries, i must not lose trust in one true being, GOD.

when i feel terribly lost and confused, it is like HE will draw nature to make you feel at ease for awhile. and when you have nobody to trust your heart with, you will be assured that HIS hands will never drop your heart. HE is the ultimate friend. and to me, all my other friends, can be an ensemble of HIM.
sooner, or later, i am bound to leave the grounds of this place called earth, to find the eternal peace there is in HIS kingdom. there, i shall feel no neglect, rejection, loneliness, doubt and imperfections.
in HIS kingdom, there is the paradise i longed to have..hopefully i will find my path towards it.

selfish friendship

People are inherently selfish. It's not exactly a fault. We need to be. It's a survival trait to take what you need for your own self in order to survive. But it is also the cause of my melancholy. The thorn that stands in my way of getting a grip on myself.

For a long time now, I have been unable to share my life with anyone. My thoughts and feelings constantly put aside, interrupted by people who see me as a vessel to rant to, to bitch to. I'm not saying that it's a bad thing to rant to me. I love to hear what you have to say about your life. I love the fact that you are sharing the thoughts of your moments with me. Yet, whatever joy and sadness, whatever thoughts and opinions I would want to share gets constantly cut off by your constant expression of self.

I don't like it. I don't like when friends, when the majority of the people I bond with take advantage of a friendship only to ignore the fact that it is a one sided relationship. It's not that they consciously do so, people are always selfish, that awareness of human nature prevents me from doing anything but respecting their need to do so.

Of course, it also means I am the bigger idiot. I let myself believe that listening to people provides a greater good than my own expression. I back down from pressing the matter when people stop listening because I don't want them to ignore me. I rather let them "use" me for something than to be alone, never talked to because I won't "listen" to them. The worst thing is that any one of you can tell me to stop hurting myself this way and get a grip of my own life. How many of you actually sat down and actually talked to me? You don't have that right to tell me what I should do when you don't let me share my life with you. Ironically…I have that right with every one of you whom you've spent hours ranting to…only if you'd shut up for once to listen to what I have to say.

The thing is, I'm angry enough about this that if I do let it out, whatever I say will be incoherent gibberish. There is just too much unsaid things on my mind, things I can't blog about, things I need someone to share and talk to that I do no know where to start. So rather than just taking it out on the first person I see, I still keep it in. I still soldier on.

For what reason? I'm not sure. Maybe it's to wait till they are done with their rants. Maybe it's to wait until I find someone who would talk with me rather than just talking to me. Maybe it's my own stupidity waiting to be realized by someone who can save me from myself. Either way, I need an outlet. If only for a moment in a day. I need an emotional outlet. There is only so much I can hold back before I crack and I wish it doesn't come to that.
Everyone is selfish. I think it's about time I be that too.

sticky notes.

You know what sad about love? It’s when you happen to know that there’s just no hope for you being together yet you still pray to make it work... Its when your mind says let it go but your heart says hold on…and most of all, its when no matter how you try to forget him and you just can’t…

because of the fact that you still love him and you just don’t know why?...
try love someone that you’ve loved before and you’ll realize that it will either lead to the same thing that happened before…
or something better… Not hard, isn’t it?
But why not try to loving someone who never loves you back? It’s either you see yourself giving up or dying daily…

The gauge of how much you really treasure something or someone is not how happy you are with them... But how sad you are when you lose them...one grows distant to one another it’s not because of indifference but because of fear. There’s the fear that hurt gets greater when one gets closer... Recognition of tendency to fall deeply, and consequently drown in a quicksand of stupid irrationalities.


Just because my eyes don’t have tears, it doesn’t mean my heart don’t cry…just because you always see me strong... its doesn’t mean there’s nothing wrong…

sometimes I chose to pretend that I’m happy so that I don’t have to explain to people who would never ever understand…smiling is always easier thank explaining to all why I’m sad.

It’s never the teas the measure the pain... Sometimes the smile that we fake. A person who truly loves you is the one who sees the pain in your eyes…while everyone still believes the smile on your face. The person you love the most has the capacity to make you the happiest person in the world and may give you the worst heartache that you could imagine…time can heal the wounds but it can never get back what we once had and lost... time can’t tell us how or when we will move on after all was said and done..

Because God give us time but we never valued this gift He had given to us. So learn to treasure the one you love you now. Because when they go... there won’t be time to have them back…

In life I have done every way of fighting… Heard every painful truth… been every heartbreaking scene and felt every dreadful feelings. I thought that going through it all will then I realize that I have to stop the fight and at least save a little for myself… but you know what’s funny? It’s when I seem so much tired of it all, but still I just can’t quit no matter how hard it is and I have to continue hoping that one day…I’ll be able to find someone who could love me not just “right” but “real”. Love is like giving someone a gun…having then point it at your heart…and trusting them not to pull the trigger...

I don’t know why all of us hang to something, we know we better letting go... it’s like we scared to lose what we really don’t have…some of us say we’d rather had that something than absolutely nothing…but the truth is: to have it halfway is harder than not having it all…

I want to know someone who can ease the pain that I have. Who could hold me tight…the one who will never let me go…till every drop of tears that I have had fallen... till every strength that I have already passed out. Then I can no longer move… As he lay down in my bed, sing me lullaby till I fall asleep and whisper beside me…”I will never leave you.”

“Time may keep us away… space may keep us apart… rumors and hurts may break us down.. Yet no matter where life leads us…I’ll always be here and I will never stop caring.”