a reflection to make

so many things to write but dont how and where to begin~

these few weeks went smoothly as in emotionally but after i came home, i soon found myself alone and realized once again the depth of that loneliness. i still have my family least for the most part. i still have my wits about me, well maybe just sort of. i have *, who i love dearly. although they are all necessities of my life, i continue to feel incomplete.

there is the emptiness of myself. i haven’t been able to or maybe not tried hard enough to fill myself with my own happiness. i think about those who are happy with friends and those who are sad with friends and envy them

this emptiness cuts me more than any razor could.

often than not, i am troubled by the fact that if i leaving this world with no purpose fulfilled. it is like dying a slow death, fighting back, and drifting from what you truly have inside. i am helpless in thinking of how the future will unfold for me and for my family. and somtimes, i am anxious of people tending to have intimacy with me. i feel secluded by my responsibilities and own preoccupations. maybe, i am just afraid of the commitment. because i am frightened by the fact that people will come and go through your life, they will pass, and the hardest part is to see their backs turning from you.

like friends. people do change, preferences vary, and a lot of times, friends will also pass your way. i had been with broken friendships, damaged by my mistrust, insecurities, and may be by my own free will to end those. yes, there will be alot of persons in your circle. but i tell you not all of them will be as ready as you are. ready to give up something for someone else, ready to be there, and make you feel existent. not a lot, sometimes not a few, and in a world of selfish ideals, there will be none at all.

i am thankful for those people who despite my misfits, find their way to sneak in and remain in my life, all through the ups and downs. i can hardly hear myself call a close friend, my best pal. because for me, i had been into much pain when it comes to "bestfriends". what pops in my head is that they will also leave, and i will be left alone, back to my old self, drastically lonely and cold.
but i guess, after all these miseries, i must not lose trust in one true being, GOD.

when i feel terribly lost and confused, it is like HE will draw nature to make you feel at ease for awhile. and when you have nobody to trust your heart with, you will be assured that HIS hands will never drop your heart. HE is the ultimate friend. and to me, all my other friends, can be an ensemble of HIM.
sooner, or later, i am bound to leave the grounds of this place called earth, to find the eternal peace there is in HIS kingdom. there, i shall feel no neglect, rejection, loneliness, doubt and imperfections.
in HIS kingdom, there is the paradise i longed to have..hopefully i will find my path towards it.