Thursday, May 26, 2011
It's been a while since I last wrote.
I basically wanted to write a quick blog to say that I'm still here and I'm still trucking along. I'm working to figure out what I want next. . . what goals I want to work towards and what things I want to do with the new healthy me. I'm making a definite effort to get back on spark and get more involved again. Keeping up with my spark friends and reading blogs has always kept me going and I need to get back in the habit. They'll be more to come from me soon, friends!(macam la ada manusia baca blog aku kan ) I hope everyone has a great day!
Thursday, October 28, 2010
Unleashed
I want to find myself, what I am and what I wanna do with my life. I want to be comfortable in my own skin, my own personality. My emotional being is waiting to be released, I want to be unleashed!
I want to find comfort, to fulfill my dreams, to fulfill my being. I want to help people, but I feel I can’t because I’m not completely in tune with me. I depend too much of what people think of me and I’m in a stage of my life where I feel I’m cleaning that part. But am I really doing it?
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
Sunday, June 6, 2010
lemons
I wish I could say that I’ll make lemonade when life hands me lemons. But that’s usually not the case. When life hands you lemons, you usually can’t make lemonade because you’re either out of sugar or you’re out of water.
I wish I could say that I’ll be able to catch whatever curve-ball that life throws at me. But that’s usually not the case. When life throws you a curve ball, you’re usually turning your back. The ball hits you at the back of your head and you get nasty bump from it.
The thing is, life is unpredictable. You can never say that you’re really ready for whatever comes your way. You can’t tell God to give you a challenge when you’re ready to take one. Life is like a pop quiz. You never know that there’s going to be an exam until the teacher tells you to get your pen and paper. And usually, this always happens when you’ve a ) run out of paper b ) run out of ink c ) didn’t read through your notes d ) all of the above.
Life is full of surprises. No one can truly be ready for an accident or a tragedy. That’s the nature of accidents and tragedies. They’re tragedies because they’re unpredictable. They come out of nowhere. Tragedies and accidents usually happens when you’re not paying attention. It just smacks you in the face. There’s no way you can ever prevent it from happening.
When it rains it pours. I truly agree. What’s worse is that it always starts raining when you realize that you’ve left your umbrella at home.
I wish I could say that I’ll be able to catch whatever curve-ball that life throws at me. But that’s usually not the case. When life throws you a curve ball, you’re usually turning your back. The ball hits you at the back of your head and you get nasty bump from it.
The thing is, life is unpredictable. You can never say that you’re really ready for whatever comes your way. You can’t tell God to give you a challenge when you’re ready to take one. Life is like a pop quiz. You never know that there’s going to be an exam until the teacher tells you to get your pen and paper. And usually, this always happens when you’ve a ) run out of paper b ) run out of ink c ) didn’t read through your notes d ) all of the above.
Life is full of surprises. No one can truly be ready for an accident or a tragedy. That’s the nature of accidents and tragedies. They’re tragedies because they’re unpredictable. They come out of nowhere. Tragedies and accidents usually happens when you’re not paying attention. It just smacks you in the face. There’s no way you can ever prevent it from happening.
When it rains it pours. I truly agree. What’s worse is that it always starts raining when you realize that you’ve left your umbrella at home.
Thursday, August 20, 2009
a reflection to make
so many things to write but dont how and where to begin~
these few weeks went smoothly as in emotionally but after i came home, i soon found myself alone and realized once again the depth of that loneliness. i still have my family least for the most part. i still have my wits about me, well maybe just sort of. i have *, who i love dearly. although they are all necessities of my life, i continue to feel incomplete.
there is the emptiness of myself. i haven’t been able to or maybe not tried hard enough to fill myself with my own happiness. i think about those who are happy with friends and those who are sad with friends and envy them
this emptiness cuts me more than any razor could.
often than not, i am troubled by the fact that if i leaving this world with no purpose fulfilled. it is like dying a slow death, fighting back, and drifting from what you truly have inside. i am helpless in thinking of how the future will unfold for me and for my family. and somtimes, i am anxious of people tending to have intimacy with me. i feel secluded by my responsibilities and own preoccupations. maybe, i am just afraid of the commitment. because i am frightened by the fact that people will come and go through your life, they will pass, and the hardest part is to see their backs turning from you.
like friends. people do change, preferences vary, and a lot of times, friends will also pass your way. i had been with broken friendships, damaged by my mistrust, insecurities, and may be by my own free will to end those. yes, there will be alot of persons in your circle. but i tell you not all of them will be as ready as you are. ready to give up something for someone else, ready to be there, and make you feel existent. not a lot, sometimes not a few, and in a world of selfish ideals, there will be none at all.
i am thankful for those people who despite my misfits, find their way to sneak in and remain in my life, all through the ups and downs. i can hardly hear myself call a close friend, my best pal. because for me, i had been into much pain when it comes to "bestfriends". what pops in my head is that they will also leave, and i will be left alone, back to my old self, drastically lonely and cold.
but i guess, after all these miseries, i must not lose trust in one true being, GOD.
when i feel terribly lost and confused, it is like HE will draw nature to make you feel at ease for awhile. and when you have nobody to trust your heart with, you will be assured that HIS hands will never drop your heart. HE is the ultimate friend. and to me, all my other friends, can be an ensemble of HIM.
sooner, or later, i am bound to leave the grounds of this place called earth, to find the eternal peace there is in HIS kingdom. there, i shall feel no neglect, rejection, loneliness, doubt and imperfections.
in HIS kingdom, there is the paradise i longed to have..hopefully i will find my path towards it.
these few weeks went smoothly as in emotionally but after i came home, i soon found myself alone and realized once again the depth of that loneliness. i still have my family least for the most part. i still have my wits about me, well maybe just sort of. i have *, who i love dearly. although they are all necessities of my life, i continue to feel incomplete.
there is the emptiness of myself. i haven’t been able to or maybe not tried hard enough to fill myself with my own happiness. i think about those who are happy with friends and those who are sad with friends and envy them
this emptiness cuts me more than any razor could.
often than not, i am troubled by the fact that if i leaving this world with no purpose fulfilled. it is like dying a slow death, fighting back, and drifting from what you truly have inside. i am helpless in thinking of how the future will unfold for me and for my family. and somtimes, i am anxious of people tending to have intimacy with me. i feel secluded by my responsibilities and own preoccupations. maybe, i am just afraid of the commitment. because i am frightened by the fact that people will come and go through your life, they will pass, and the hardest part is to see their backs turning from you.
like friends. people do change, preferences vary, and a lot of times, friends will also pass your way. i had been with broken friendships, damaged by my mistrust, insecurities, and may be by my own free will to end those. yes, there will be alot of persons in your circle. but i tell you not all of them will be as ready as you are. ready to give up something for someone else, ready to be there, and make you feel existent. not a lot, sometimes not a few, and in a world of selfish ideals, there will be none at all.
i am thankful for those people who despite my misfits, find their way to sneak in and remain in my life, all through the ups and downs. i can hardly hear myself call a close friend, my best pal. because for me, i had been into much pain when it comes to "bestfriends". what pops in my head is that they will also leave, and i will be left alone, back to my old self, drastically lonely and cold.
but i guess, after all these miseries, i must not lose trust in one true being, GOD.
when i feel terribly lost and confused, it is like HE will draw nature to make you feel at ease for awhile. and when you have nobody to trust your heart with, you will be assured that HIS hands will never drop your heart. HE is the ultimate friend. and to me, all my other friends, can be an ensemble of HIM.
sooner, or later, i am bound to leave the grounds of this place called earth, to find the eternal peace there is in HIS kingdom. there, i shall feel no neglect, rejection, loneliness, doubt and imperfections.
in HIS kingdom, there is the paradise i longed to have..hopefully i will find my path towards it.
Friday, March 13, 2009
selfish friendship
People are inherently selfish. It's not exactly a fault. We need to be. It's a survival trait to take what you need for your own self in order to survive. But it is also the cause of my melancholy. The thorn that stands in my way of getting a grip on myself.
For a long time now, I have been unable to share my life with anyone. My thoughts and feelings constantly put aside, interrupted by people who see me as a vessel to rant to, to bitch to. I'm not saying that it's a bad thing to rant to me. I love to hear what you have to say about your life. I love the fact that you are sharing the thoughts of your moments with me. Yet, whatever joy and sadness, whatever thoughts and opinions I would want to share gets constantly cut off by your constant expression of self.
I don't like it. I don't like when friends, when the majority of the people I bond with take advantage of a friendship only to ignore the fact that it is a one sided relationship. It's not that they consciously do so, people are always selfish, that awareness of human nature prevents me from doing anything but respecting their need to do so.
Of course, it also means I am the bigger idiot. I let myself believe that listening to people provides a greater good than my own expression. I back down from pressing the matter when people stop listening because I don't want them to ignore me. I rather let them "use" me for something than to be alone, never talked to because I won't "listen" to them. The worst thing is that any one of you can tell me to stop hurting myself this way and get a grip of my own life. How many of you actually sat down and actually talked to me? You don't have that right to tell me what I should do when you don't let me share my life with you. Ironically…I have that right with every one of you whom you've spent hours ranting to…only if you'd shut up for once to listen to what I have to say.
The thing is, I'm angry enough about this that if I do let it out, whatever I say will be incoherent gibberish. There is just too much unsaid things on my mind, things I can't blog about, things I need someone to share and talk to that I do no know where to start. So rather than just taking it out on the first person I see, I still keep it in. I still soldier on.
For what reason? I'm not sure. Maybe it's to wait till they are done with their rants. Maybe it's to wait until I find someone who would talk with me rather than just talking to me. Maybe it's my own stupidity waiting to be realized by someone who can save me from myself. Either way, I need an outlet. If only for a moment in a day. I need an emotional outlet. There is only so much I can hold back before I crack and I wish it doesn't come to that.
Everyone is selfish. I think it's about time I be that too.
For a long time now, I have been unable to share my life with anyone. My thoughts and feelings constantly put aside, interrupted by people who see me as a vessel to rant to, to bitch to. I'm not saying that it's a bad thing to rant to me. I love to hear what you have to say about your life. I love the fact that you are sharing the thoughts of your moments with me. Yet, whatever joy and sadness, whatever thoughts and opinions I would want to share gets constantly cut off by your constant expression of self.
I don't like it. I don't like when friends, when the majority of the people I bond with take advantage of a friendship only to ignore the fact that it is a one sided relationship. It's not that they consciously do so, people are always selfish, that awareness of human nature prevents me from doing anything but respecting their need to do so.
Of course, it also means I am the bigger idiot. I let myself believe that listening to people provides a greater good than my own expression. I back down from pressing the matter when people stop listening because I don't want them to ignore me. I rather let them "use" me for something than to be alone, never talked to because I won't "listen" to them. The worst thing is that any one of you can tell me to stop hurting myself this way and get a grip of my own life. How many of you actually sat down and actually talked to me? You don't have that right to tell me what I should do when you don't let me share my life with you. Ironically…I have that right with every one of you whom you've spent hours ranting to…only if you'd shut up for once to listen to what I have to say.
The thing is, I'm angry enough about this that if I do let it out, whatever I say will be incoherent gibberish. There is just too much unsaid things on my mind, things I can't blog about, things I need someone to share and talk to that I do no know where to start. So rather than just taking it out on the first person I see, I still keep it in. I still soldier on.
For what reason? I'm not sure. Maybe it's to wait till they are done with their rants. Maybe it's to wait until I find someone who would talk with me rather than just talking to me. Maybe it's my own stupidity waiting to be realized by someone who can save me from myself. Either way, I need an outlet. If only for a moment in a day. I need an emotional outlet. There is only so much I can hold back before I crack and I wish it doesn't come to that.
Everyone is selfish. I think it's about time I be that too.
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
sticky notes.
You know what sad about love? It’s when you happen to know that there’s just no hope for you being together yet you still pray to make it work... Its when your mind says let it go but your heart says hold on…and most of all, its when no matter how you try to forget him and you just can’t…
because of the fact that you still love him and you just don’t know why?...
try love someone that you’ve loved before and you’ll realize that it will either lead to the same thing that happened before…
or something better… Not hard, isn’t it?
But why not try to loving someone who never loves you back? It’s either you see yourself giving up or dying daily…
The gauge of how much you really treasure something or someone is not how happy you are with them... But how sad you are when you lose them...one grows distant to one another it’s not because of indifference but because of fear. There’s the fear that hurt gets greater when one gets closer... Recognition of tendency to fall deeply, and consequently drown in a quicksand of stupid irrationalities.
Just because my eyes don’t have tears, it doesn’t mean my heart don’t cry…just because you always see me strong... its doesn’t mean there’s nothing wrong…
sometimes I chose to pretend that I’m happy so that I don’t have to explain to people who would never ever understand…smiling is always easier thank explaining to all why I’m sad.
It’s never the teas the measure the pain... Sometimes the smile that we fake. A person who truly loves you is the one who sees the pain in your eyes…while everyone still believes the smile on your face. The person you love the most has the capacity to make you the happiest person in the world and may give you the worst heartache that you could imagine…time can heal the wounds but it can never get back what we once had and lost... time can’t tell us how or when we will move on after all was said and done..
Because God give us time but we never valued this gift He had given to us. So learn to treasure the one you love you now. Because when they go... there won’t be time to have them back…
In life I have done every way of fighting… Heard every painful truth… been every heartbreaking scene and felt every dreadful feelings. I thought that going through it all will then I realize that I have to stop the fight and at least save a little for myself… but you know what’s funny? It’s when I seem so much tired of it all, but still I just can’t quit no matter how hard it is and I have to continue hoping that one day…I’ll be able to find someone who could love me not just “right” but “real”. Love is like giving someone a gun…having then point it at your heart…and trusting them not to pull the trigger...
I don’t know why all of us hang to something, we know we better letting go... it’s like we scared to lose what we really don’t have…some of us say we’d rather had that something than absolutely nothing…but the truth is: to have it halfway is harder than not having it all…
I want to know someone who can ease the pain that I have. Who could hold me tight…the one who will never let me go…till every drop of tears that I have had fallen... till every strength that I have already passed out. Then I can no longer move… As he lay down in my bed, sing me lullaby till I fall asleep and whisper beside me…”I will never leave you.”
“Time may keep us away… space may keep us apart… rumors and hurts may break us down.. Yet no matter where life leads us…I’ll always be here and I will never stop caring.”
because of the fact that you still love him and you just don’t know why?...
try love someone that you’ve loved before and you’ll realize that it will either lead to the same thing that happened before…
or something better… Not hard, isn’t it?
But why not try to loving someone who never loves you back? It’s either you see yourself giving up or dying daily…
The gauge of how much you really treasure something or someone is not how happy you are with them... But how sad you are when you lose them...one grows distant to one another it’s not because of indifference but because of fear. There’s the fear that hurt gets greater when one gets closer... Recognition of tendency to fall deeply, and consequently drown in a quicksand of stupid irrationalities.
Just because my eyes don’t have tears, it doesn’t mean my heart don’t cry…just because you always see me strong... its doesn’t mean there’s nothing wrong…
sometimes I chose to pretend that I’m happy so that I don’t have to explain to people who would never ever understand…smiling is always easier thank explaining to all why I’m sad.
It’s never the teas the measure the pain... Sometimes the smile that we fake. A person who truly loves you is the one who sees the pain in your eyes…while everyone still believes the smile on your face. The person you love the most has the capacity to make you the happiest person in the world and may give you the worst heartache that you could imagine…time can heal the wounds but it can never get back what we once had and lost... time can’t tell us how or when we will move on after all was said and done..
Because God give us time but we never valued this gift He had given to us. So learn to treasure the one you love you now. Because when they go... there won’t be time to have them back…
In life I have done every way of fighting… Heard every painful truth… been every heartbreaking scene and felt every dreadful feelings. I thought that going through it all will then I realize that I have to stop the fight and at least save a little for myself… but you know what’s funny? It’s when I seem so much tired of it all, but still I just can’t quit no matter how hard it is and I have to continue hoping that one day…I’ll be able to find someone who could love me not just “right” but “real”. Love is like giving someone a gun…having then point it at your heart…and trusting them not to pull the trigger...
I don’t know why all of us hang to something, we know we better letting go... it’s like we scared to lose what we really don’t have…some of us say we’d rather had that something than absolutely nothing…but the truth is: to have it halfway is harder than not having it all…
I want to know someone who can ease the pain that I have. Who could hold me tight…the one who will never let me go…till every drop of tears that I have had fallen... till every strength that I have already passed out. Then I can no longer move… As he lay down in my bed, sing me lullaby till I fall asleep and whisper beside me…”I will never leave you.”
“Time may keep us away… space may keep us apart… rumors and hurts may break us down.. Yet no matter where life leads us…I’ll always be here and I will never stop caring.”
Sunday, August 17, 2008
past,present and future
pondering several things...for one...that first line of this entry...
and where to go from here.
The close of this school year has left me thinking.
do I really want to spend my life as a graphic designer?
working for fickle clients and fickler art directors.
I imagine that someday i'd work my way to the top and become an Art Director myself,
but there is a vast chasm of years and experience standing between now and then.
I wonder if I'll have what it takes.
or rather, will I be able to learn what I need to, to survive in the business?
It's becoming more and more apparent that school is not going to prepare me for the "real world"
sure, I'll learn plenty of techniques and 'how-to'
but will I learn how to perform in the atmosphere of the 'real world'
i have no doubt that I will have a rough time as i take my first steps into the field.
the question then becomes...
can I handle it?
do I want to handle it?
will I have the talent and the drive and focus to get the jobs that I need and then perform well in them?
I have no desire to go out and do mediocre work. It's all or nothing.
I had a chat with my wonderful teacher and another fellow today, they've both been in the field for years and know their stuff.
I learned more practical knowledge in the hour that I sat and listened to them, then I have all year long in all my classes.
does anyone else see a problem with this?
I realize that I need an education because that is what the business world has deemed necessary.
but can't i expect more from it?
I aim to learn how to ask the right questions and to challenge the teachers so that I get everything I possibly can out of these few years I'll spend in school.
My teacher pointed out to me a few days ago that I am at a point in my life, design-wise that I can do whatever I want.
This is my one chance to do crazy things with zero restrictions. I'm going to do my darndest to take full advantage of it.
God has always been good to me, and I live an incredibly blessed life no matter where i go or what i do. i couldn't be more thankful for that.
So i guess it's just figuring out where to go from here.
i shouldnt think about all thiss,i still have a longggggggg journey that i need to go through
and mayb i just think too much~
and where to go from here.
The close of this school year has left me thinking.
do I really want to spend my life as a graphic designer?
working for fickle clients and fickler art directors.
I imagine that someday i'd work my way to the top and become an Art Director myself,
but there is a vast chasm of years and experience standing between now and then.
I wonder if I'll have what it takes.
or rather, will I be able to learn what I need to, to survive in the business?
It's becoming more and more apparent that school is not going to prepare me for the "real world"
sure, I'll learn plenty of techniques and 'how-to'
but will I learn how to perform in the atmosphere of the 'real world'
i have no doubt that I will have a rough time as i take my first steps into the field.
the question then becomes...
can I handle it?
do I want to handle it?
will I have the talent and the drive and focus to get the jobs that I need and then perform well in them?
I have no desire to go out and do mediocre work. It's all or nothing.
I had a chat with my wonderful teacher and another fellow today, they've both been in the field for years and know their stuff.
I learned more practical knowledge in the hour that I sat and listened to them, then I have all year long in all my classes.
does anyone else see a problem with this?
I realize that I need an education because that is what the business world has deemed necessary.
but can't i expect more from it?
I aim to learn how to ask the right questions and to challenge the teachers so that I get everything I possibly can out of these few years I'll spend in school.
My teacher pointed out to me a few days ago that I am at a point in my life, design-wise that I can do whatever I want.
This is my one chance to do crazy things with zero restrictions. I'm going to do my darndest to take full advantage of it.
God has always been good to me, and I live an incredibly blessed life no matter where i go or what i do. i couldn't be more thankful for that.
So i guess it's just figuring out where to go from here.
i shouldnt think about all thiss,i still have a longggggggg journey that i need to go through
and mayb i just think too much~
Thursday, July 31, 2008
Daydreamer
I daydream a LOT, and I don't seem to ever really manage to decrease the daydreaming, but I have learned that they my daydreams have a lot to tell me. I find the form my daydreams is very revealing of what I really want and how I want to feel.. I do daydream about running into people with whom I have unfinished business and getting to resolve things. I daydream about my past and imagine going back to redo, rearrange and improve things. And I daydream about what I want to do and have happen to me in future...imagining a possible scenario all the way up to.. well, silly fantasies.lol.. and sometime i feels like i can escape from real world
and sometimes I find myself smiling if I was thinking of something funny. I'm sure I look like an idiot
and sometimes i dream about someone being there to comfort me when im upset.
Is is odd/unhealthy, when upset, if no one's around to talk to me or whatever, to kinda imagine someone i really trust or like being there with me?... Saying reassuring things i wanna hear.
Like, if I feel incredibly vulnerable and like no one's there for me, I'll just go lay down and pretend they are, and it gives me some kind of sense of security I guess.I
I’ve never talked to anyone about my daydreaming – it’s too silly and embarassing...omg
Friday, June 13, 2008
Art and Fear
yesterday i have a conversation with my ex classmate .a good friend of mine when i was in the foundation year
he is an interior design student,he's story me how he feels right now because he not really sure what is he doing..i mean he dont really sure is he take the right path or not...
he afraid that he cannot survive in design world..he afraid that he wont be successfull..and he also afraid that he will be lousy designer,..
when i was in the same class with him..he's is the one always energetic,very positive...and always make the work cincai2 one but always get a good marks...
a very talented young man.
anyway,
me,myself also afraid that i wont be successfull....deep inside me afraid that i lost my strenght,,afraid that i lost my confident..and what if i lost my wisdom..
and the most scary thing is what if i cant produce any good work anymore..people dont like or hate my work..so scary..
i feels like im the most untalented student..but i keep telling myself that i need to work harder. and harder
because i know what i done in the past will affected me in prensent or future.
”What separates artists from ex-artists is that those who challenge their fears continue; those who don’t, quit.” Art and Fear, page 14.
he is an interior design student,he's story me how he feels right now because he not really sure what is he doing..i mean he dont really sure is he take the right path or not...
he afraid that he cannot survive in design world..he afraid that he wont be successfull..and he also afraid that he will be lousy designer,..
when i was in the same class with him..he's is the one always energetic,very positive...and always make the work cincai2 one but always get a good marks...
a very talented young man.
anyway,
me,myself also afraid that i wont be successfull....deep inside me afraid that i lost my strenght,,afraid that i lost my confident..and what if i lost my wisdom..
and the most scary thing is what if i cant produce any good work anymore..people dont like or hate my work..so scary..
i feels like im the most untalented student..but i keep telling myself that i need to work harder. and harder
because i know what i done in the past will affected me in prensent or future.
”What separates artists from ex-artists is that those who challenge their fears continue; those who don’t, quit.” Art and Fear, page 14.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
